This morning, while I was studying for my Logic class and since I was feeling fine I thought of writing myself a list of things to keep in mind next time I start to feel overwhelmed by everything around me. It served as an excuse to avoid studying, anyway.
- You don’t know what is going to happen. You despise pseudo-sciences so you might as well admit that you cannot tell the future. Stop pretending that you know that you’re destined to fail if you openly claim that the sole idea of ‘destiny’ is ridiculous and disgusts you.
- Remember how good it feels when you are calm. See how differently your thoughts can flow when you find yourself in a clear-thinking oasis. Get rid of your depression and anxiety and then try and refute your own depressive claims.
- Don’t compare yourself. The reason why successful people actually succeed is because they stay loyal to their own goals. After you get rid of whatever is clouding your thoughts set some goals and start achieving them. Don’t be afraid of revising them and change them if you consider them relevant. Try not to change them that often or you’ll be missing the point of having them.
Continue reading ‘For the moments I feel like letting go’
This a beautiful australian short-film narrated by Hugo Weaving. It tells the story of a really depressed girl that obsesses over the idea of killing herself. So she goes around lots and lots of ideas when she finally decides to eat as many bees as needed to die.
Adrian Van de Velde
: Hugo Weaving
I felt really related to what has happened to me during the last two months. It’s amazing how I felt the same way after going through what probably was my deepest depression.
Note: I just found this, lost between old papers from high school. I wrote this down from boredom two years ago. It isn’t that well written, and it may be incorrect in some places, but what the heck, I’m posting it. After all, I needed to be the person I was in order to become the person I am.
Have you ever felt that the world as we know it was just about to end?
Tom DeLonge, the frontman from Box Car Racer and Angels and Airwaves (formerly from pop-punk trio blink-182) was probably inspired by this thoughts when he wrote the self-titled debut and only album by Box Car Racer.
The album deals with subjects such as well, the end of the world, romantic stories where the singer offers safety and his company to his loved one, and even deals with depression and feeling of being overwhelmed by the events of our life.
The album came out during the first hiatus that blink-182 took back on 2002 after their Take Off Your Pants and Jacket promotion tour, when singer and guitarist Tom DeLonge suffered a back injury and was behold to stay home and rest. During that time, as claimed by DeLonge himself, he was going through a lot of things and struggling with pain, having a lot of powerful thoughts, many of them finally inspiring the songs that made their only album.
This album features lots of acoustic guitars, accompanied by heavy distorted guitars and unique powerful drumming by Travis Barker (also from blink-182).
Box Car Racer also counted with additional guitar duties by David Kennedy, and although all the bass parts on the album were played by Tom, on tour a bassist named Anthony Celestino played those parts.
Highlights from the album are:
- Watch the World: an optimistic song written about apocaliptic times where the singer offers everything he has to his loved one and believes that “they will make it through”.
- Cat Like Thief: featuring Tim Armstrong from punk band Rancid on vocals, it counts with a simple guitar riff on loop that makes the melody even more interesting. It’s a great song overall.
- Letters to God: this song is almost entirely played by Tom on his acoustic guitar and then breaks into heavy distorted guitars when reaching its end, making this song one of the most powerful songs on the record. It has that Box Car Racer trademark sound, it’s lyrically beautiful with the singer confessing his thoughts and saying that ‘maybe he doesn’t wanna go’. One of the saddest and most emotional song on the record.
- There Is: one of the most romantic and sincere songs that were ever written. A completely acoustic song that deals with the need for someone and just singing yourself to calm and have the certainty that ‘there’s someone out there who feels just like you’.
- Elevator: a very simple but yet impressive song that features Mark Hoppus (the third member from blink) on half the vocals. It is a very graphic narration of a man jumping from a building rooftop, told in first person (by Tom) and then from the view of a passer-by, therefore, in third person (by Mark).
Watch the World, for your listening pleasure.
I just took a tough decision. I’m at the bus stop, I have to go downtown. I’m having a meeting for a website I’ve been working on for the past year and a half. It’s a website for an organization that deals with AIDS, focusing on its prevention by making workshops and informing people on the subject.
Now I’m on the bus. The decision I took was to stay here in my home town for the rest of the year. Now why would I take such a silly decision when I had a 3 Mb broadband connection in Buenos Aires and a malfunctioning 640 kb here? Good question, I know, but not everything depends on internet connections! Come on!
I had already started thinking about staying here during the last weeks I spent in the city but more as a way to deal with my ever present depression. Well, amazing as it sounds, I’m not really taking this decision as a way to deal with that.
In fact, I know I’m not completely (nor partially) over that yet, but it’s OK for now, as long as I don’t start hurting myself or thinking about being a ghost (damn Armor for Sleep!).
What’s leading me to take this decision is my long awaited vision of the future, as in finally seeing myself somewhere in the future, doing what I like.
“You need to have a plan if you’re staying…” my father said today after lunch. Well… Dan said we need to ‘plan to be surprised‘ (you should be ashamed if you still haven’t seen Dan in Real Life… Go watch it now!)
So that’s what I’m planning after all! I’m putting my formal studies on hold until next year (formal as in the sense of university studies), but instead I’m going to: (here we go)
- · Read more. Some people I truly respect have suggested me tens of books along the years so I think it’s finally time to read them. I need to finish reading (for the second time) “A Brief History of Time” by the awesome Stephen Hawking, get my hands on all the Ray Bradbury books I’ve been collecting since I was 10, and probably read as many books as I can to make my brain bigger.
- · Write more. Yes, and no. I’m not talking about (only) blogging, I also have some (some as in tens of millions) of ideas I’d like to take from my brain and put down on paper. And yes, I may start writing more here, but only time will tell.
- · Study more. I’m taking my interests to the next level. Programming, physics, guitar, singing, maths, anything. But as I learned in the past, I can only study by myself: it’s the only way it works for me.
- · Smile more. I know that smiling isn’t cool right now, I mean, what’s “in” right now is to feel bad all the time and just avoid being happy. But let me tell you something: I was into depression way before it went mainstream and started being so trendy. I’m a pioneer on feeling bad, people. So now I’m gonna try swimming against the current, I’m gonna be the happiest guy alive.
OK, point taken: it’ll probably won’t work that way, but you get the point. Wish me luck on this one.
- · Watch more movies. For the past two years I’ve collected over 80 films (including documentaries and silly TV specials) that I wanted to see. I think I’ve barely seen 10 of them so I’m going to put some of my time on watching them. Movies are one of the things I enjoy the most, and now it’s time for me to do things I like. At first I thought of naming this one “Watch more movies while eating ice cream”, but then I realized that I would quickly get overweight.
- · Work more. I’m not getting a job at a shoe factory, but still… This is a tricky one. Work can stand for both paid work and work on my personal projects or endeavors. I want to finish most (if not all) of the things I started to work on the past few years. I want to do whatever it’s needed on my baby websites (AlwaysFallingDown.com, TheresNoSolution.com, Proyecto Burbuja, valenzine.com, my web design company MonstersInvisible.com, etc), finish any current work I have and make my ToDo list a bit thinner… I want a clean start for next year.
Also, I’ve started to work with my dad on some of his own work, and that is keeping me thrilled with learning better ways to work.
- · Drink more. I’m not really sure about this one but I think it could be one of the suggestions my friends would make when finding out about these news.
- · Enjoy more. So it’s time to stop thinking about dying and rather start thinking about living (as logical as it may sound, it takes a lot to get to this conclusion).
People that wanted to show me a brighter side of my life had a really good point when they addressed the fact that there are a lot of things I can whine about my life, but even more facts about it that I shouldn’t ignore: the things I shouldn’t complain about, such as still being able to breathe, having a family and friends that care for me and so many other things. Pretty self explanatory this one is.
And that’s about all I could write using my cell phone on my way downtown and then my way back.
Have you ever woken up one day just to see a poster on your wall that you had always thought it was cool but never put too much attention on it, and then it happens: you notice how it was the coolest thing you’ve ever seen?
I used that lame metaphor in a failed attempt to explain my recent crush on one of my bestest friends.
I won’t go into too many details right now, I’m just going to say that I was this close to giving up on everything and then suddenly it happened. She was valiant enough to tell me something that completely changed my point of view on some subjects.
I’m sick of my own depression. I can’t stand thinking about all this negative stuff all the time, I need to change.
A lot of things are happening around me, most of them aren’t directly related to me but in some way they do, and at the same time I’m facing a lot of new things all the time.
I’m not doing really well in college… I dropped out of Mathematical Analysis and I’m considering dropping out of Physics too. In fact, I’m ditching my class right now. I did quite well on Introduction to Scientific Thinging (or IST from now on). I got an 8 out of 10 and surprisingly most of my classmates failed. What surprsises me is that I didn’t study much for the exam, I just read the chapters of the book and studied from previous exams I got online.
But I need to change. I need to focus on myself and on making the lives of people around me easier. I need to help myself and everyone around me.
And by achieving small accomplishments every day I think I’m getting closer to that. When everything you do or try to do leads to frustration, you just don’t find a purpose on anything. And that’s what needs to change: I need to find a purpose and I have to avoid getting frustrated.
Let’s start right now.